Satire Alert

Obama declares New Brunswick a security threat

Washington — American President Barack Obama today signed a declaration naming Canada’s province of New Brunswick a national security threat. The order places sanctions on elected members of the legislative assembly and high-ranking government officials, but so far excludes general economic sanctions.

In the daily White House briefing, the president told The Manatee‘s reporter — who was trying his hardest not to look or sound like a New Brunswicker — that “terrorism is a serious threat to America, and to Canada, and the New Brunswick-Maine border is too easy for terrorists to cross. Look,” he said haltingly, “we have monitoring equipment covering every inch of the border, and there are just too many unplanned crossings. Until New Brunswickers learn to back off, we have to implement these sanctions.”

Sanctions prevent New Brunswickers from coming to America to: buy eggs; buy gas; shop at Marden’s; buy cheap alcohol; buy cigarettes; visit Stephen King’s haunted mansion; or attend Red Sox games.

Premier Brian Gallant was incensed at the decision. “The province has a row of 24 season tickets at Fenway!” he cried. “If we can’t attend the games, we’ll have to look at using Larry’s Gulch more often for caucus meetings. This will hit New Brunswickers in their pockets.”

READ MORE: http://themanatee.net/2015/03/17/obama-declares-new-brunswick-a-security-threat/