Total Pageviews

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Tuesday's Rides - Ral-li Sitges 2015




Thanks Maria

When you know "shit" about maintaining the economy

‘Worst Is Yet To Come': Economic Bad News Could Hit Just In Time For Election


Six words that appeared in several economists’ analyses over the past several days should give pause to Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s political strategists: “The worst is yet to come.”

That was the sentiment following StatsCan’s release of unemployment numbers for February, which showed the jobless rate ticking up to 6.8 per cent as the country lost a net total of 1,000 jobs.

It was actually better than the 5,000 lost jobs economists had been predicting, but the experts don’t see this as a sign that Canada will come out of the oil price collapse unscathed.

READ MORE: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2015/03/16/economy-canada-election_n_6877170.html?utm_hp_ref=tw

Harper and company MIA

VIDEO: Roy Romanow says Harper Conservatives "missing in action" on health care

Roy Romanow says federal leadership on health care has "evaporated" under Stephen Harper, arguing the Conservative government's policies have escalated the "decline of a modern, effective health care plan."
The former premier of Saskatchewan and head of the federal health care commission called the Conservative government "missing in action" in a blistering attack at the Broadbent Institute's Progress Summit 2015:
"Ottawa's involvement has evaporated. The Minister of Health is missing in action. And Medicare is threatened like it never has been before. It is as though the provinces and Ottawa live within two different universes." 
READ MORE: http://www.pressprogress.ca/en/post/video-roy-romanow-says-harper-conservatives-missing-action-health-care

Harper: No Conscience - No Morals

How the Ministry of Environment Vetoed Our Interview Request

Documents obtained by DeSmog Canada reveal that Canada's Ministry of Environment vetoed an interview request on toxins in fur-bearing animals in the oilsands, even though the federal scientist was "media trained and interested in doing the interview."

The Environment Canada scientist in question, Philippe Thomas, had asked members of the Alberta Trappers Association to send him samples of fur-bearing animals caught across Alberta in 2012.

Thomas needed a broad range of samples to gain deeper insight into the contaminant load in animals living near the oilsands.

In late 2012, DeSmog Canada submitted a request to interview Thomas, and provided several written questions to Environment Canada to review.

Documents obtained via Access to Information legislation show that pre-scripted responses were prepared for Thomas should the interview be approved at the upper levels. The request was approved at the deputy general level, but denied in the office of former Environment Minister Peter Kent.

The request was also sent to the Privy Council Office for review, but was denied by the minister before requiring a decision by the prime minister's top-level advisors.

READ MORE: http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/carol-linnitt/ministry-of-environment-canada_b_6933656.html

Stephen harper kept his promise now live with it fools.... I sure as hell will do whatever I can to get rid of the bastard


1960 Chevrolet Corvette - Fairmont City, Illinois


http://www.oldcaronline.com/1960-Chevrolet-Corvette-Fairmont%20City-Illinois-for-sale-ID658286.htm

Yesteryear Winter & Autos

NO Heaters, NO Heated Seats, and No Heated Steering Wheels ...
Before you complain the next time you get into that cold car, try to imagine what it was like for your grandparents or great-grandparents and their contemporaries.
Thanks Randy
 





 

Hilarious Southwest Airline Safety Presentation (Open Captions)




Thanks Kerry

fox rescue



Thanks Sylvia

Door mats with style and attitude









Thanks Norman

Monday, March 30, 2015

Monday's Ride - Fairchild C-119 Flying Boxcar History


Obituary: Eric George Snow

Passed away peacefully at age 90 on Friday March 27th 2015. Beloved husband of the late Peggy Snow. Loving partner of Georgie. Dear father of Sandi (Brian), Peter, Donald, Karen (Bob), Vickie (Patrick), Bev (Rod) and the late Eric. Proud grampa to Craig, Kevin, Adam, Jill, Connor, Holly, Megan, Marley and nine great grandchildren. Special thanks to Dr. Lyengar, Dr. Weekes and staff at Queensway Carleton Hospital ICU. Family will receive friends on Wednesday, April 1 at Pinecrest Visitation Centre (2500 Baseline Road, Ottawa) from 7 to 9 p.m. and on Thursday, April 2 from 1 p.m. until the memorial service to be held in the Pinecrest Chapel at 2 p.m. A reception will follow. Donations may be made to the Canadian Blood Services and the Queensway Carleton Hospital Foundation. Online condolences may be made at www.colefuneralservices.com

Thanks Ralph.... our thoughts and prayers are with the family.

Jason Kenney: "LIAR LIAR BRAINS EXPIRE" - "Best before 2006"

Kenney's claims about Canada's smart bombs questioned (with video)

Defence Minister Jason Kenney says Canada needs to join the Syrian bombing campaign because it and the United States are the only members of the coalition who have the smart bombs needed for such air strikes.

But Kenney’s claim is being challenged by critics, and statements from U.S. officials raise questions about its accuracy.

Both Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates, part of the current five-country U.S.-led coalition bombing targets in Syria, have smart weapons and have already used them against Islamic extremists.
Last fall, Gen. Martin Dempsey, chairman of the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff, praised the Arab nations for their role in the bombing campaign and highlighted their use of precision-guided munitions in Syria.

These nations “are performing just as well as we are on the issue of precision and reducing the possibility of collateral damage,” Dempsey said.

Fighter jets from Saudi Arabia and the UAE are equipped with the same or similar U.S. smart bombs that Canada has acquired.

The Saudis bought their bombs in 2008 as part of a $20-billion arms deal with the U.S.

In addition to its stocks of U.S. smart bombs, the UAE also spent $500 million in 2013 to buy South African-made precision-guided munitions for its fighter jets. In addition, it signed a deal to manufacture the smart bombs in the UAE.

Kenney made the claims about the smart bombs to a number of media outlets Wednesday.

“There are only five coalition partners doing air strikes against ISIL terror targets in eastern Syria,” the minister explained to CTV. “The United States is the only one of those five that has precision-guided munitions. That is a capability the Royal Canadian Air Force has, so one of the reasons our allies have requested we expand our air sorties into eastern Syria is because with those precision-guided munitions our CF-18s carry, we can be more impactful in the strikes we make against ISIL.”

READ MORE: http://ottawacitizen.com/news/politics/kenneys-claims-about-canadas-smart-bombs-questioned

Conservatives: They can't read, they don't understand legal-eeze and they are just plain dumb

If you want to know why TTIP would be a nightmare, look what just happened in Canada

If anyone tries to convince you that TTIP is no threat to a government’s ability to protect its people, just point them to Canada. Last week, Canada’s government was successfully sued for daring to turn down a large mining quarry which threatened to cause environmental damage in Nova Scotia.

It is the latest in a long line of cases which have been brought against Canada, for attempting to introduce environmental protection, under the North America Free Trade Agreement (NAFTA). And these cases have been brought about under exactly the same mechanism - known as ISDS (Investor State Dispute Settlement) – which is at the centre of the TTIP deal.

ISDS is essentially a corporate court system – allowing foreign corporations to sue governments in secret tribunals, overseen by corporate lawyers, with no right of appeal. Even losing can cost a country a small fortune.

The most recent ruling focuses on Canada’s decision, following an environmental review, to block a 152-hectare basalt quarry in Nova Scotia, which happens to be a key breeding area for several endangered species, including rare whales. US corporation Bilcon wanted to open the quarry and argued that it had put time and money into the development. The environmental review, however, found that the project clashed with “community core values”.

The company argued that the Canadian government shouldn't even have resorted to an environmental review and is now seeking $300 million in compensation.

Two aspects of this case prove what critics have always said about these corporate courts. First, the case didn't relate to a breach of contract or to discrimination in favour of a domestic company. It simply related to a regulation which a foreign corporation didn't like.

READ MORE: http://www.globaljustice.org.uk/blog/2015/mar/25/if-you-want-know-why-ttip-would-be-nightmare-look-what-just-happened-canada#.VROck755KEQ.twitter

America manufactures "smart bombs" and Canada manufactures "stupid conservatives".

Parliamentary Budget Officer says defence costs ‘unsustainable’ over next decade

OTTAWA - The Harper government has built a military that it cannot afford and will be forced to make tough choices about in the future, if it sticks with the current funding envelope, the country's budget watchdog said Thursday.

The new assessment by the parliamentary budget office came as debate kicked off in the House of Commons about an expanded and extended war against the Islamic State in Iraq and the Levant, a conflict that opposition MPs were warned this week will last more than a year.

Jean-Denis Frechette, the parliamentary budget officer, says the federal government will need to either pour more money into its defence budget, scale back its ambitions, or do a mixture of both in order to put Canada's military on a sustainable footing.

The Harper government currently spends $21.5 billion on defence — or 1.1 per cent of the gross domestic product.

In order to sustain the existing number of troops, bases, tanks, planes and ships, the budget office says the Conservatives will have to spend about 1.6 per cent of GDP, which would be an increase of at least $3 billion annually.

The Conservatives rode to power in 2006 with a promise to dramatically increase the size of the military and to provide it with stable funding after years of lean Liberal budgets.

The defence budget did grow during the Afghan war, but starting in 2011 the Conservatives attacked the federal deficit through its strategic review process and the separate Deficit Reduction Action Plan — or DRAP. The effect of most of those cuts kicked in last year.

"Our modelling shows that until 2014, there were sufficient funds to maintain the program," said the report.

READ MORE: http://www.nationalnewswatch.com/2015/03/26/parliamentary-budget-officer-says-defence-costs-unsustainable-over-next-decade/#.VRRSamx0zIW

RMR: Rick's Rant - Who Chooses our Monuments?


1950 Mercury Over The Top! ! ! Sorry Just Sold!!! - Stratford, New Jersey


http://www.oldcaronline.com/1950-Mercury-Over%20The%20Top%20%20%20Sorry%20Just%20Sold-Stratford-New%20Jersey-for-sale-ID572379.htm

Senior Texting Codes

 
Teens have their texting codes (LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.).
 

Not to be outdone by these little SNK
(snotty nosed kids), now, finally we long-suffering seniors have our own
texting codes!



Texting for Seniors as follows:


ATD - At the Doctor's



BFF - Best Friend's
Funeral



BTW - Bring the
Wheelchair



BYOT - Bring your
own teeth



CBM - Covered by
Medicare



CUATSC - See You at
the Senior
Center



DWI - Driving While
Incontinent



FWBB - Friend with
Beta Blockers



FWIW - Forgot Where
I Was



FYI - Found Your
Insulin



GGPBL - Gotta Go,
Pacemaker Battery Low



GHA - Got Heartburn
Again



IMHO - Is My
Hearing-Aid On?



LMDO - Laughing My
Dentures Out



LOL - Living on
Lipitor



OMMR - On My
Massage Recliner



ROFL..CGU - Rolling
on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!



TOT - Texting on
Toilet



TTYL - Talk to You
Louder



WTP - Where are the
Prunes



WWNO -
Walker Wheels Need Oil

Thanks Shirl

God Created Children

(AND IN THE PROCESS, GRANDCHILDREN!)



To those of us who have children in our lives,
whether they are our own, grandchildren,
nieces, nephews, or students...
here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was 'DON'T! '

'Don't what ?' Adam replied.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit.' God said.

'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! '




' No Way ! '
'Yes way! '

'Do NOT eat the fruit! ' said God.


'Why? '

'Because I am your Father and I said so ! ' God replied, wondering
why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children
having an apple break and He was ticked !
'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit? ' God asked.


cid:D53D18B90E7E4A4D98C63E86403DC2D0@MadgeHP

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you? ' said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.
'She started it! ' Adam said.

'Did not ! '
'Did too! '
'DID NOT! '
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom
and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think
it would be a piece of cake for you ?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT !

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat
word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties
is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


Thanks Norman



LOGIC


Thanks Normand

Dog shows off his breakdancing skills



Thanks Sylvia

Sunday, March 29, 2015

Sunday's Ride - CF100 "Canuck" jet fighter clip


Obituary: Eric George Snow

Passed away peacefully at age 90 on Friday March 27th 2015. Beloved husband of the late Peggy Snow. Loving partner of Georgie. Dear father of Sandi (Brian), Peter, Donald, Karen (Bob), Vickie (Patrick), Bev (Rod) and the late Eric. Proud grampa to Craig, Kevin, Adam, Jill, Connor, Holly, Megan, Marley and nine great grandchildren. Special thanks to Dr. Lyengar, Dr. Weekes and staff at Queensway Carleton Hospital ICU. Family will receive friends on Wednesday, April 1 at Pinecrest Visitation Centre (2500 Baseline Road, Ottawa) from 7 to 9 p.m. and on Thursday, April 2 from 1 p.m. until the memorial service to be held in the Pinecrest Chapel at 2 p.m. A reception will follow. Donations may be made to the Canadian Blood Services and the Queensway Carleton Hospital Foundation. Online condolences may be made at www.colefuneralservices.com

Thanks Ralph.... our thoughts and prayers are with the family.

Harper's Conservatives are a Corporate Party NOT a party of the people

What's for dinner? Not enough for many Canadians: StatsCan report

About 1.1 million Canadian households did not have enough food to eat in 2012, says a new report from Statistics Canada.
 
Five per cent of Canadian children and eight per cent of adults experienced “food insecurity,” meaning they could not afford enough nutritious food, says the report released Wednesday.

“We weren’t surprised by the results that we got. They have been consistent,” analyst Shirin Roshanafshar tells Yahoo Canada News.

In Nunavut, almost 37 per cent of households reported going without. That’s more than four times the national average of 8.3 per cent.

“Nunavut had the highest rate of food insecurity amongst all Canadian provinces and territories,” Roshanafshar says.

The report by Roshanafshar and analyst Emma Hawkins looked at data from 65,000 Canadian Community Health surveys filled out annually from 2007-2012, focusing on 2012.

While Nunavut reported the highest rate of food insecurity, all the territories were hit harder than their provincial counterparts to the south.

Almost 14 per cent of households in the Northwest Territories reported that they’d been unable to afford the quality or quantity of food they needed at some point in the previous 12 months. A little more than 12 per cent of Yukon households reported the same.

In southern Canada, Maritime provinces had the highest rates of hunger: Nova Scotia 11.0 per cent, Prince Edward Island 10.6 per cent, New Brunswick 10.2 per cent.

The report notes that food insecurity is highest among single-parent families with children under 18, with almost 23 per cent reporting that they could not afford enough nutritional food.

READ MORE: https://ca.news.yahoo.com/blogs/dailybrew/whats-for-dinner-not-enough-for-many-canadians-183041839.html

Great piece - found on FB

I was taken to see this beautiful Mosque in 1978 after touring the ruins of "Persepolis" near Shiraz by wonderful Iranians, after which taken to the tomb of their most revered poet. All were Muslims who just wanted to show me their interesting, beautiful country & when I admired something in the Souks (market) their homes, they insisted on giving it to me, refusing was an insult so I had to be careful after learning this. That is their custom.

 Later invited to their homes ...to eat Iranian food, another custom on how to treat strangers especially when they discovered I was a Canadian & not American. ( one of these days I will post pic. if I get help). Such a kind friendly people, I loved Iran from Tehran in the north to Shiraz in the south..


........... It makes me ill to see the postings & "likes" by friends on f/b who apparently are ignorant to how a Muslin acts & Islam is. There are radical "so called" Christians just as in all religions so why the ignorance of the customs & dress of ordinary Muslims, judging without knowledge is ridiculous. I won't call them out by name but for heavens sake, learn & get the facts straight. We Protestants have Baptist, United, Anglican etc. just as in Islam & we, until recently, covered our heads to go to Church, apply for a job etc. (I did) Only a very few cover their faces, they will evolve as have we. IT IS FOR US TO ACCEPT & BE TOLERANT, God will judge, it is not for us. I have noted it is the most uncharitable ones who profess to be Christians, with the questionable words, postings & actions to others, that criticize. GLASS HOUSES COMES TO MIND. I could write a book on how I was treated in Iran, Saudi Arabia, Tunisia, Algeria, Libya & by those born in Iraq, Yemen, Egypt & by my amazing neighbours from Iraq, all differently. We could learn a lot about how to treat our neighbours & strangers.



Thanks Geri

1932 Chevrolet Roadster - Orange, California


http://www.oldcaronline.com/1932-Chevrolet-Roadster-Orange-California-for-sale-ID600210.htm

Sister Strikes Again!: Late Nite Catechism 2



Thanks Kerry

They (say they don't lie.

 
A politician had a wife and 12 children and needed to move as his rental agreement was coming to an end for the home where he lived but was having difficulty in finding a new home.
When he said he had 12 children, no one would rent a home to him because
They knew that the children would destroy the home.
He could not say that he had no children, he could not lie, after all,
Politicians cannot and do not lie.


So, he had an idea: he sent his wife for a walk to the cemetery with 11 children.

He took the remaining one with him to see homes with the Real Estate Agent.
He liked one of the homes and the agent asked : "How many children do you have ?”
He answered: "12 children”.
The agent asked "Where are the others?
The lawyer answered, with a sad look, "They are in the cemetery with their mother”.

And that's the way he was able to rent a home for his family without lying.

MORAL : It is not necessary to lie, one only has to choose the right words.
Politicians don't lie. They are creative!   (or not)  
 
 Thanks Richard

Most Bizarre Planes Ever



More bizarre aircraft

Thought you would find these interesting

Thanks Randy



Pictures with Points to Ponder





Thanks Kerry

Gettin' old

very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the definition of "OLD"
~ ~ ~
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied,
'No peer pressure.'
~ ~ ~
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed. 'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.'
~ ~ ~
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
~ ~ ~
It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.
~ ~ ~
These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
 
Thanks Randy

Saturday, March 28, 2015

Saturday's Rides - The Batmobile and Comedian Jeff Dunham's Private Garage - GQ's Car Colle...


Trying to make Canada's unaccountable government accountable

Brent Rathgeber is having an interesting week
Brent Rathgeber keeps doing Brent Rathgeber things

For the purposes of mocking and challenging the Conservative government, Brent Rathgeber is perhaps better placed than any other MP in the House. As an independent, he is basically free to say and do whatever he wishes. As a former Conservative MP, he has the symbolic import of a former ally. And as an ideological conservative, he stands a sort of haunting spectre of philosophical consistency for a government that is otherwise unchallenged on the right of the political spectrum.
This week he has been particularly mischievous.

On Tuesday, he took his turn in question period. With his first opportunity, he took the Prime Minister’s apparent support for an Alberta-style carbon levy, tied it to the government’s rhetoric on carbon taxes and wondered aloud, “when will Canadians hear more details about the Prime Minister’s proposed multi-billion-dollar, job-killing carbon tax, levy, tech fund or whatever else he decides to call it?”

Next, after an undaunted Leona Aglukkaq had insisted on the government’s opposition to a carbon tax, Rathgeber took his second opportunity to lament for the government’s spending of $750 million on advertising. “Does the government that brought us the Federal Accountability Act not believe in protecting taxpayers from using public dollars that advance partisan ends?” he asked. In response, Tony Clement stood and lamented for Rathgeber’s tone before retreating into the sort of explanation that a Conservative MP would surely never accept from a Liberal minister.

For his next trick, Rathgeber stood after question period today and tabled a bill that would behoove the federal government to generally balance its annual budget—the sort of thing the Conservatives promised in 2013, but have yet to table. Rathgeber has already had a turn in this Parliament at having a bill debated—the ill-fated C-461—so his new bill has no chance of passing unless the government decides to adopt it. Failing that, it might still sit as some sort of legislative taunt.

READ MORE: http://www.macleans.ca/politics/brent-rathgeber-is-having-an-interesting-week/

Target Canada - Harper fails Canadians again


1936 Ford 68 - Vernon, New York



http://www.oldcaronline.com/1936-Ford-68-Vernon-New%20York-for-sale-ID625036.htm

'Speed Painter' Takes Stage in 'Anderson's Viewers Got Talent'



Thanks Ralph

The blonde said it was hers


One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’

The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.’

The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’

'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.’

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’

(You have to love this)

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
 
Thanks Richard
 

Rocking the oldies in the Yukon!!!!!!



Last night we went to a party at our local senior center. The second Tuesday of every month they have an evening potluck supper. We usually eat, play bingo, reminisce, and drink a little wine and talk about the good ole days ...

We heard Selma Martin's grandson is staying with her for a few weeks. It's rumored he got in a scrap over some marijuana with the law out in Hollywood and he came to
Ridgeway By The Lake to avoid the heat. Anyway, Selma is known for her delicious Brownies and she always bakes up a quadruple batch for each get-together. She makes enough for everyone and some for folks to take one home for later. For some reason they were extra good this week and every last one of them was eaten. Not a one left over. We later found out that Selma 's grandson, Butch, laced the brownies with some of his marijuana.

Knowing this, I guess it offers a logical reason for everyone feeling good that night. By the time Zeke put on the bunny hop record, everyone was in a real good mood and it was the first time the whole place got up and danced ...............

That is until the cops came to check all the noise complaints.
 

Well, that's another story ........................
                 

YOU PUT YOUR LEFT FOOT IN AND ... WELL YOU KNOW THE REST! 
Thanks Shirl

Wisdom is not using it in a fruit salad.

 

 
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have
remained a virgin.'

 
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

 
<><>  

 
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

 
- Eleanor Roosevelt

 
<><>  

 
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

 
- Mark Twain

 
<><>  

 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.

 
- George Burns

 
<><>  

 
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

 
- Victor Borge

 
<><>  

 
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

 
- Mark Twain

 
<><>  

 
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
you'll become a philosopher.

 
- Socrates

 
<><>  

 
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

 
- Groucho Marx

 
<><>  

 
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

 
- Jimmy Durante

 
<><>  

 
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

 
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

 
<><>  

 
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

 
- Alex Levine

 
<><>  

 
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

 
- Rodney Dangerfield

 
<><>  

 
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

 
- Spike Milligan

 
<><>  

 
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

 
- Joe Namath

 
<><>  

 
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

 
- Bob Hope

 
<><>  

 
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

 
- W. C. Fields

 
<><>  

 
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

 
- Will Rogers

 
<><>  

 
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

 
- Winston Churchill

 
<><>  

 
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
fall out, or spread out.

 
- Phyllis Diller

 
<><>  

 
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

 
- Billy Crystal

 
And the cardiologist's diet:  if it tastes good spit it out.
 
Thanks Kerry