As I hurtled through space, one thought
kept crossing my mind - every part of
this rocket was supplied by
the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
*****
When the white missionaries came
to Africa they had the Bible and we had
the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We
closed our eyes. When we opened
them we had the Bible and they
had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
*****
America is the only country where a
*****
America is the only country where a
significant proportion of the population
believes that professional wrestling
is real but the moon landing
was faked.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
~ David Letterman
*****
I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire.
I'm a billionaire!
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn
~ Howard Hughes
*****
After the game, the King and the pawn
go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors.
~ Italian proverb
*****
Men are like linoleum floors.
Lay 'em right and you can walk
all over them for thirty years.
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women
~ Betsy Salkind
*****
The only reason they say 'Women
and children first' is to test the strength
of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist
~ Jean Kerr
*****
I've been married to a communist
and a fascist, and neither would take out
the garbage.
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your
~ Zsa Zsa Gabor
*****
You know you're a redneck if your
home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door
~ Jeff Foxworthy
*****
When a man opens a car door
for his wife, it's either a new car or
a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
*****
A computer once beat me at chess,
*****
A computer once beat me at chess,
but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have
~ Emo Philips.
*****
Wood burns faster when you have
to cut and chop it yourself.
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness
~ Harrison Ford
*****
The best cure for sea sickness
is to sit under a tree.
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent
~ Spike Milligan
*****
Lawyers believe a man is innocent
until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer,
~ Robin Hall
*****
Kill one man and you're a murderer,
kill a million and you're a conqueror.
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make
~ Jean Rostand.
*****
Having more money doesn't make
you happier. I have 50 million dollars
but I'm just as happy as when
I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
*****
We are here on earth to do good
unto others. What the others are
here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be
~ WH Auden
*****
In hotel rooms I worry. I can't be
the only guy who sits on the
furniture naked.
~ Jonathan Katz
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be
*****
If life were fair Elvis would still be
alive today and all the impersonators
would be dead.
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place
~ Johnny Carson
*****
I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C Clarke
*****
Hollywood must be the only place
on earth where you can be fired by
a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt
and a baseball cap.
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man
~ Steve Martin
*****
Home cooking. Where many a man
thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even
~ Jimmy Durante
*****
America is so advanced that even
the chairs are electric.
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the
~ Doug Hamwell
*****
The first piece of luggage on the
carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he
~ George Roberts
*****
If God had intended us to fly he
would have made it easier to get
to the airport
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when
~ Jonathan Winters
*****
I have kleptomania, but when
it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley
~ Robert Benchley
Thanks Randy
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