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Friday, February 10, 2017

The joys of aging

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was  going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. 
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" 
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and 
stealing from me."
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy, you should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
George said, "Okay."   He hung up the phone and counted to 30.
Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now," and he hung up. 
Within  five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire 
Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'  residence, 
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the  Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot  them!" 
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True  Story)
Don't  mess with old people 
A few chuckles for seniors.
A distraught senior citizen   phoned her doctor's office.   
"Is it true," she wanted to know, 
"that the medication
   you prescribed has to be taken   
for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor
   told her.   
There was a moment of silence
before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then,
just how serious is my condition
because this prescription is
   'NO REFILLS'.."  
An older gentleman was on the operating table
awaiting surgery
   and he insisted that his son,   
a renowned surgeon,
   perform the operation.   
As he was about to get the
   anesthesia,   he asked
to speak   to his son.   
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
   do your best,   
and just remember,
   if it doesn't go well,   
if something happens to me,
   your mother   
is going to come and
live with you and your wife...."
( I LOVE THIS !)   
Eventually you will reach a point 
when you stop lying about your
   and start bragging about it.   
This is so true.
I love
   to hear them say   
"you don't look that old."
------------------------------ ---   
The older we get, the fewer things
seem worth waiting in line for.
(Mostly because we forgot why we
were waiting in line in the first place
------------------------------ ---
Some people try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know why
   I look this way.   
I've traveled a long way
   and some of
the roads weren't   paved.  
When you are dissatisfied
and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
------------------------------ -   
One of the many things 
no one tells you about aging
is that it is such a nice change
from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
but being old is comfortable.
First you forget names,
then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up
your zipper...
   it's worse when   
you forget to pull it down.
Two guys, one old, one young,
are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart
when they collide.   
The old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I   wasn't paying attention   
to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a
I'm looking for my wife, too...
I can't find her and I'm getting a little
The old guy says,
"Well, maybe I can help you find her...
what does she look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall,
with red hair,
   blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,   
long legs,
   and is wearing short shorts.   
What does your wife look like?'
To which the old guy says, "Doesn't
   --- let's look for yours."   
(And this final one especially for me,)
"Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder
and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . .
stick around awhile . . .
it will!
 Thanks Heather

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