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Sunday, December 11, 2016

The 6 affairs

The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair  
with his secretary.  

One day they went to her place  
and made love all afternoon.  

Exhausted, they fell asleep  
and woke up at 8 PM.  

The man hurriedly dressed  
and told his lover to take his shoes  
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.  

He put on his shoes and drove home.  

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.  

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,  

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.  
We had sex all afternoon.'  

She looked down at his shoes and said:  

'You lying bastard!  
You've been playing golf!'  

The 2nd Affair  

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters  
but always talked about having a son.  

They decided to try one last time  
for the son they always wanted.  

The wife got pregnant  
and delivered a healthy baby boy.  

The joyful father rushed to the nursery  
to see his new son.  

He was horrified at the ugliest child  
he had ever seen.  

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can  
be the father of this baby.  
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!  
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'  

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:  
'No, not this time!'  

The 3rd Affair  

A mortician was working late one night.  

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,  
about to be cremated,  
and made a startling discovery.  
Schwartz had the largest private part  
he had ever seen!  

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician  
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated  
with such an impressive private part.  
It must be saved for posterity.'  

So, he removed it,  
stuffed it into his briefcase,  
and took it home.  

'I have something to show  
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,  
opening his briefcase.  

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,  
'Schwartz is dead!'  

The 4th Affair  

A woman was in bed with her lover  
when she heard her husband  
opening the front door.  

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'  

She rubbed baby oil all over him,  
then dusted him with talcum powder.  

'Don't move until I tell you,'  
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'  

'What's this?' the husband inquired  
as he entered the room.  

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.  
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it  
so I got one for us, too.'  

No more was said,  
not even when they went to bed.  

Around 2 AM the husband got up,  
went to the kitchen and returned  
with a sandwich and a beer.  

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.  
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths  
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'  

The 5th Affair  

A man walked into a cafe,  
went to the bar and ordered a beer.  

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'  

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.  

He glanced at the menu and asked:  
'How much for a nice juicy steak  
and a bottle of wine?'  

'A nickel,' the barman replied.  

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.  
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'  

The bartender replied:  
'Upstairs, with my wife.'  

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs  
with your wife?'  

The bartender replied:  
'The same thing I'm doing  
to his business down here.'  

The 6th & Best Affair  

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.  

He looked up and said weakly:  
'I have something I must confess.'  

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.  

'No,' he insisted,  
'I want to die in peace.  
I slept with your sister, your best friend,  
her best friend, and your mother!'  

'I know,' she replied.  
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Thanks Ivan

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