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Q: What do you say when you're gonna drunk dial someone?
A: Al-cohol you
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I'm not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
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I'm not an alcoholic either,
alcoholics go to meetings, I'm just a drunk.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
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It's true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
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To do list:
1 - Go to pet store.
2 - Buy bird seeds.
3 - Ask how long it will take for the bird to grow.
4 - Wait for the reaction.
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I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore.
Some would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges. But, I have a nice car, a little money and I spend most of my time casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.
I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. And all of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay there making love, I thought ...
"Wow, these Tasers are really worth the money!!!"
_______________________
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main
highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her
fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And
her, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ...
And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.. '
_______________________
I am getting on in years and not the best looking guy anymore.
Some would even say I'm a little frayed around the edges. But, I have a nice car, a little money and I spend most of my time casually traveling from place to place and enjoying life.
I met a nice looking girl in a park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us. And all of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
As we lay there making love, I thought ...
"Wow, these Tasers are really worth the money!!!"
_______________________
A State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main
highway.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a
young man behind the wheel, reading a magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her
fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and
gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The trooper asks: 'What are you doing'?
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine'.
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And
her, what is she doing'?
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails'.
Now, the trooper is totally confused.
A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ...
And nothing obscene is happening!
The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man'?
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir'.
The trooper asks: 'And her, .... what's her age'?
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.. '
____________________
Some new words being proposed for inclusion in Oxford English Dictionary :
Errorist: Someone who repeatedly makes mistakes.
Askhole: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.
Ambitchous: Striving to be more of a bitch than the average bitch.
Dudevorce: When two male best friends officially end their friendship over a lame disagreement, usually concerning a girl.
Nonversation: A completely worthless conversation, wherein nothing is illuminated, explained or otherwise elaborated upon. Typically occurs at parties, bars or other events .
Destinesia: When you get to where you were intending to go, you forget why you were going there in the first place. Not to be confused with being stoned.
Unkeyboardinated: Lacking physical or mental keyboard coordination; unable to type without repeatedly making mistakes.
Cellfish: Those who continue to talk on their cell phone, oblivious to the effect on others around them.
Textpectation: The anticipation one feels when waiting for a response to a text message.
Carcolepsy: The inability to stay awake & alert when in a car, or any other thing that moves, such as trains, planes & buses.
Hiberdating: Someone who ignores all their other friends when they are dating a boyfriend/girlfriend.
Deja poop: The feeling that the same shit keeps happening over & over to you.
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I want to have a sex change.
Preferably from "none" to "once in awhile."
Preferably from "none" to "once in awhile."
Thanks Randy
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