A Comedian's Totally Inappropriate Jokes for Men.. (ONLY)

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.

The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.

A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!" 

 

Got this text from my brother recently.

It read. "Can I stay at your house for a while? The old lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"

 

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, "It's my husband! Quick, try the back door!"

Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don't get offers like that every day.

 

Sorry for not calling you on New Year’s, but I just got out of jail.

I was locked up for punching the fuck out of this idiot at a party.

In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10 your instincts kick in.

 

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I am coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face, you're going, 'cus when you're coming you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!"

 

I saw a fortune teller the other day.

She told me I would come into some money.

Last night I fucked a girl called Penny.

Is that spooky or what?

 

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"
Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

 

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans.

I said, "Fuck that! Knowing my luck, I'd win one!"

 

What's the difference between an illegal Mexican and ET?
ET looked better, smelled better, learned English, didn't claim benefits, had his own fucking bike, and wanted to go home!

 

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out that my new doctor is young, female and drop dead gorgeous.

I was embarrassed, but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional, I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, "My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny."

 

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal.

Then I realized that she is a dyslexic bitch and that she was trying to say she loves Alan, my best friend.

 

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, "No! No! Don't enter that church, you damn fool."
His wife asks him, "What are you watching?"
Husband replies, "Our wedding video."

 

I said to the wife, "Get me a newspaper."
"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."
That fuckin' spider never knew what hit it.

 

I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform, but she says she doesn't like it.

She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore.

 

Thanks Joe J