Origin of Swearing...

Thanks Win

Italian Grandma's Advice

 

 

A young Italian girl was
going on a date.
  Her Nonna said: 'Sita here ana letame tella you about this-a younga boy.
  He's agonna try ana kiss you,
you are agonna likea dat, but
don't let him do dat.
  He's agonna try ana kiss
your breasts, you are agonna
likeadat too, but don'ta let
him do dat eeda.
  But mosta important, he's
agonna try ana lay on topa
you, you are agonna really
likea dat, but don'ta let him
do dat for sure.
  Doing thata willa disgraza
our family.
  With that bit of advice, the
granddaughter went on her

date.
  The next day she told
grandma that her date
went just like she had
predicted:'And Nonna,
I didn't let him disgrace
our family as you said. 
  When he tried to lay on
top of me, I just rolled
him over, got on top of
him, and disgraced
HIS family!'
  Nonna fainted!!

Thanks Heidi

Un parking à vélos au Japon - La boite verte

Only in Japan

 

 

 

http://www.laboiteverte.fr/un-parking-a-velo-au-japon/   Thanks Norman

Senior Ladies

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a police officer see a car puttering along at 22 kph.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back....wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!

What seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty-two kilometres an hour!" ...the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189."

Thanks Ralph

had him in my sights....but I just couldn't pull the trigger!

And then I thought, "f**k it - that's how I'd wanna go!”

Thanks Richard

Monday's Vehicle - 1962 Pontiac

Declaration of Voters’ Rights / Déclaration des Droits des électeurs

http://secure.fairvote.ca/en/declaration

Stephen Harper, the Austin Powers of the Arctic

Stephen Harper made like Vladimir Putin last week, camping and target shooting in the Arctic. Fortunately, the PM neither took off his shirt nor wrestled a polar bear.

But by playing tough yet holding back, Harper set himself up for ridicule — much like Mike Myers did with the character Austin Powers when parodying James Bond.

Photos showed Harper standing awkwardly in front of a campfire made of logs that must have been flown in specially, because the camp was 800 kilometres north of the tree line. Putin would have killed a seal with his bare hands and ignited its oil by striking a rock against his teeth.
 

Harper’s rifle was one of the 65-year-old relics used by the Canadian Rangers, relics that Harper once promised and then failed to replace. Putin does his target shooting with a Kalashnikov. Just for fun, he hunts Siberian tigers with a tranquilizer gun.
 

Harper, bundled up like a toddler at the rink, went for a ride in a motorboat. Putin swims naked in Arctic lakes.
 

Harper could not even match Putin in dealing with the media. When a Chinese journalist tried to ask an unapproved question, he was scolded for the misdeed. In Russia, inquisitive journalists have accidents. In the old days, when Harper was sorting mail at Imperial Oil in Edmonton, Putin was pulling out fingernails in East Germany.
 

On Arctic development, too, Harper is a pale shadow of Putin.

http://www.thestar.com/opinion/commentary/2013/09/01/stephen_harper_the_austin_powers_of_the_arctic.html

Mayor Nenshi tweets - great sense of humour

http://themetapicture.com/the-mayor-of-calgary-alberta-is-awesome/

I don't like Stephen Harper - a song

Visitor aboard

Would you like to have a guest like that, on your boat? 

       

http://www.wimp.com/seaclimbs/ Thanks Win

Grandpa's Drink.

ONE FOR ALL THE OLD CODGERS!!!!

There was a family gathering, with all generations around
The table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into
Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself
Because he had to go to the toilet. When he returned,
However, his trousers were wet all over.. 'What happened,
Grandpa?' asked by his concerned children.

'Well,' he answered, 'I don't really know..
I had to go to the toilet. So I took it out and started to
Pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!'

Thanks Penny

Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:  

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------    

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
--------------------------
 
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------

Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
--------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
--------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.' 

Thanks Joe Y

Retaurant behavior

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

 

A waitress working a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table but the woman stared straight ahead.

 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

 

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

 

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

Thanks Randy

The look

This is exactly the same look you get from your friends,
when you tell them you have given up wine.
Thanks Win