Church Bulletins

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:  

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:
'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.' 

Thanks Joe Y

Retaurant behavior

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

 

A waitress working a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table but the woman stared straight ahead.

 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

 

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."

 

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

 

Thanks Randy

The look

This is exactly the same look you get from your friends,
when you tell them you have given up wine.
Thanks Win

Friday's Vehicle - Datsun 240

Trans-Pacific Partnership: Canadian MPs Have No Access To Drafts U.S. Pols Can See

The Conservatives are keeping secret the draft text of a sweeping free trade agreement Canada is negotiating with a dozen Pacific Rim countries, despite the fact that any U.S. congress member can access the document, the NDP says.

“If the U.S. can allow its legislators to see the TPP text, there is no reason that Canada can’t,” NDP trade critic Don Davies said in a statement.

The latest round of negotiations in the Trans-Pacific Partnership (TPP) opened in Brunei last week and runs to the end of the month. Canada joined the talks in 2012 after years of lobbying.

If finalized , the deal would create a free trade area that would cover Australia, Brunei, Chile, Japan, Malaysia, Mexico, New Zealand, Peru, Singapore, the United States and Vietnam, along with Canada.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/08/29/trans-pacific-partnership-canada-tpp_n_3838000.html

How I got scammed by a major Ontario Crime organization, A.K.A.The Ontario Government.

I received my vehicle Licence renewal application 2 weeks ago.  I need to

purchase my licence plate sticker by November, 2013. It costs 82 dollars - up from

$74 dollars last year - that's about a 9% increase in one year - Who gets

a 9% increase on their pay cheque ??? However, if I buy it after September 1, 2013,

it will cost me 90 dollars. Yes, this is a rip-off in itself.

However, this is not the issue. The issue is, my 2006 vehicle requires

a Drive clean emission test this year.  After all, the Ontario Government has created

a wonderful emissions-testing system that is designed to control the amount of

pollutants vehicles discharge into the fresh air of Ontario - praise the Lord !

So, I take my vehicle in to have it tested at $39.45 - yes, they added tax - a

double whammy.

My vehicle fails the test. Now, the mechanic explains to me that the Government

has set a repair cost limit of $450, in order to receive a conditional emission test pass

This will be accomplished by having the mechanic run a diagnostic to find the

problem, complete repairs and an emissions re-test.

The mechanical runs the diagnostic and discovers that the electronic fuel pump needs

to be replaced - a cost well over $450 - so we do not do any repairs. A re-test is then

completed  and I receive my conditional pass (good for one year).

 

W.T.F. just happened -  I spent $228 in total and did not do a single repair

that would help protect the environment - my vehicle is in the same  condition

that it was prior to the emissions testing. All I received was a licence sticker

worth 84 dollars.

 

The Ontario Government does not care about the Environment, they

just took the money ran.

I was scammed for all that money for nothing !!

 

Thanks Joe Y

The Grandmother of all Blonde Jokes:

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these
blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid So, she
decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to
paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her
husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of
paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the
floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy
parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks
her if she if OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she
replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are
dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house..

He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She
replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it
said...

(You'll love this...)

(I know you will...)
.
.





FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS

Thanks Randy

NATIVE AMERICAN CODE OF ETHICS

Rise with the sun to pray. Pray alone. Pray often.
The Great Spirit will listen, if you only speak.
~
Be tolerant of those who are lost on their path.
Ignorance, conceit, anger, jealousy and greed stem
from a lost soul. Pray that they will find guidance.
~
Search for yourself, by yourself. Do not allow others
to make your path for you. It is your road, and
yours alone. Others may walk it with you,
but no one can walk it for you.
~
Treat the guests in your home with much consideration.
Serve them the best food, give them the best
bed and treat them with respect and honor.
~
Do not take what is not yours whether from
a person, a community,the wilderness or from a
culture. It was not earned nor given. It is not yours.
~
Respect all things that are placed upon
this earth – whether it be people or plant.
~
Honor other people’s thoughts, wishes and words.
Never interrupt another or mock or rudely mimic them.
Allow each person the right to personal expression.
~
Never speak of others in a bad way. The negative
energy that you put out into the universe
will multiply when it returns to you.
~
All persons make mistakes.
And all mistakes can be forgiven.
~
Bad thoughts cause illness of the mind,
body and spirit. Practice optimism.
~
Nature is not FOR us, it is a PART of us.
They are part of your worldly family.
~
Children are the seeds of our future. Plant
love in their hearts and water them with
wisdom and life’s lessons. When they
are grown, give them space to grow.
~
Avoid hurting the hearts of others.
The poison of your pain will return to you.
~
Be truthful at all times. Honesty is the
test of one’s will within this universe.
~
Keep yourself balanced. Your Mental self, Spiritual
self, Emotional self, and Physical self – all need
to be strong, pure and healthy. Work out
the body to strengthen the mind. Grow
rich in spirit to cure emotional ails.
~
Make conscious decisions as to who
you will be and how you will react. Be
responsible for your own actions.
~
Respect the privacy and personal space of
others. Do not touch the personal property of
others – especially sacred and religious
objects. This is forbidden.
~
Be true to yourself first. You cannot
nurture and help others if you cannot
nurture and help yourself first.
~
Respect others religious beliefs.
Do not force your belief on others.
~
Share your good fortune with others.
Participate in charity.

Thanks Kerry

How to piss off air travelers

How To Piss Off Air Travelers With One Photo

 

 

1. This was the economy class section of a Pan Am 747, circa mid-1960s.

 

 

Thanks Millie

All You need to know about the Middle East in one short Letter to the Editor...

Thanks Win

Saskatchewan Girl

A grandfather, who was visiting his granddaughter in Saskatchewan, watched her playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. 
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. 
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

 

He  noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Grandpa, what are those two spiders doing?' she  asked. 'They're  mating,' her grandfather  replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she  asked. 'A Daddy Longlegs,' her grandfather answered. 'So,  the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

 

 

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,

'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.

“Well", she said, "that may be OK in  B.C., but we're not having any of that shit in Saskatchewan”.    

 

Thanks Richard 

Thursday's Vehicle - 1948 Buick

Redneck Six Pack

Thanks Shirley

Restored 109

Figured someone out there had some love and respect for the restored 109s flying around. Apparently a 109 which was recently at a Danish airshow in Roskilde had some engine problems and did an emergency belly landing outside the Roskilde airport. Really is a shame with these old planes

Thanks Kerry

France

Story told by an Englishman about life in France.

 

A Mobile Breath Test unit stopped an Englishman who resides in the Dordogne.

The guy in the car is dead drunk

A policeman looks at the individual and asked  

" Have you been drinking ? "

With a mushy speech, the guy says,

"Yes, this morning I married my daughter and as I do not like Masses I went to the cafe and drank a few beers. Then during the banquet I had three good bottles from one of Corbières and Minervois Faugères. 

Finally during the festival in the evening I swallowed two bottles of Johnny Walker Black label.

 

The policeman is angry and says

"Do you know that I am a Policeman and I stopped you for an alcohol test  ? "

The British guy replies

"And do you know that this car is English and my wife here on the other side is driving?"

 

Thanks Ralph