Chuckles

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

-Phyllis Diller

 

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

-Phyllis Diller

 

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

-Phyllis Diller

 

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:  Eat out.

-Phyllis Diller

 

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.  Then I want to move in with them.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 Most children threaten at times to run away from home.  This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

-Phyllis Diller

 

 What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 My photographs don't do me justice -they look just like me.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

 -Phyllis Diller

 

 The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

 -Phyllis Diller

Thanks Pat