Three morning chuckles

JEWISH  MOTHER (A GEM)

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected  the first woman as well is the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein. She  calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says,

"So, Mom, I  assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten hour drive, your father isn't as young as he used to be and my arthritis is acting up  again."

"Don't worry about it Mom, I'll send Air  Force One to pick you up and take you home..

And a limousine will pick you  up at your door."

"I don't know. Everybody will be so  fancy-schmantzy, what on earth would I wear?"

Susan replies, "I'll make sure you have a  wonderful gown custom-made by the best designer in New York ."

"Honey," Mom complains, "you know I can't  eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat."

The  President-to-be responds, "Don't worry Mom. The entire affair is going to  be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way. Mom, I really want you to come."

So  Mom reluctantly agrees and on January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States. 

In the front row sits the new  President's mother, who leans over to a senator sitting next to her and says, "You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States??"

The  Senator whispers back, "Yes, I do."

Mom says proudly, "Her brother is a doctor."

ITALIAN  MOTHER

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in  love and that he is going to get married.

He says, "Just for fun, Mama,  I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm  going to marry." The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful  women into the house, sits them down on the couch & they chat for a  while. He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one I'm going to  marry?"

Mama says immediately, "The one on the  right."

"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How  did you know?"

Mama replies: "I don't like  her."

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS  SON...

I was  reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout.  He didn't like it – so I drank  it.

Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't  like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey, I  could hardly push the stroller back home.

Thanks Randy