Joyeux Noel - Merry Christmas

Each Christmas Season I have posted the attached sketch drawn by my father in 1921 at the age of 12 as a Yule greeting. This year, however I have decided to attach an article that I wrote for Silver and Gold magazine here in the Halton Region of Ontario. 

The subject is one that is and was dear to the heart of my family and is under attack by Stephen Harper’s irrational and relentless cuts to Canada’s social support programs so please bear with me as I express my feelings on the subject of fostering.

 

Children just want to know they matter. 

I don’t know how many times I have been asked “What is it like being a foster parent”? 

For me fostering was a normal part of growing up, as my experience began with my grandparents on my mother’s side and carried on with my parents, my sister and my wife and I. My uncle Herbert was a foster child in my grandparent’s home as was my aunt Dorthea. 

It is hard to explain the relationship between Herbie and I since he was always there, we had scarlet fever together, slept in the same bed and were just close. It wasn’t until he was no longer under the “system” and my grandparent’s offered him a choice of being adopted (he was 18) and becoming a Taylor or to carry on as a Harrison. Herbie decided to be adopted…. And I was honored with an uncle. 

I will be 70 at the end of November and Herbie is now 78, our relationship continues to this day. 

As for aunt Dorthea, she wasn’t adopted but the contact between our families continues to this day. I was best man at her daughter Lorrain’s wedding and am Godfather to her son. 

But better still I have nieces who I love and adore that were fostered in my sister’s home. My kids are FaceBook friends with them as am I and my wife. My nephews cancelled their vacation arrangements so they could fly to California and be an embarrassment to their foster sister at her wedding. Sometimes the relationship between foster child and natural child in a home can be better than between siblings. When my nephews ran into a financial bind with their business it was another of their foster sisters who helped them over the hump. My point being… you cannot write off the relationship that develops between a foster child and your natural child. 

My mom and dad ran an emergency home in Montreal and had more than 450 children pass through their home. They were nanny and gramps to these children. They provided love, security and stability to kids who were scared, upset and worried about what was going to happen to them. These kids wanted to know they mattered…. It wasn’t important to whom, what mattered was that omeone cared and nurtured them. 

I know that there are those of you that wonder “Can I Foster”? ….. “How will I deal with their parents”? “Will I have an emotional attachment to these kids”. And “How will my own children react”? If you take on the challenge of fostering you WILL have an emotional attachment, as kids are easy to love and once they are comfortable with you they return that affection. Remember they are just as scared as you are….. be patient, be understanding and don’t be too aggressive….. talk, talk, talk, but be sure to listen, listen, listen. 

As for your own kids, well if they are anything like my sister and I they will be excited to have a new sibling/friend to play with, to argue with and to grow up with. Kids don’t have the same preconceived prejudices that adults have…. They are more tolerant and giving. Just remember, if you have a rule for your child that rule applies to the foster child…. No preferential treatment for yours over theirs.  

Fostering is not easy but it is emotionally rewarding. First to know you have made a difference in a child’s life but most of all to know that the child will always remember what you did for them. 

When my wife and I first married we fostered several babies, yes you become attached and yes you cry when they go home to their parent, tears of happiness and tears of sadness. We adopted our first foster child, as did my parents, grandparents and my sister. 

Most people who put their children in foster care have either fallen on hard times or are in the midst of a separation. It is not your place to take sides or to discourage the child but rather to explain the situation with a positive approach. Remember these kids love their parents unconditionally and you are the stranger. Understanding, acceptance and patience are upper most. There will be times when their parent lets them down and it may annoy you however it is imperative that you overlook the failures of the parent and concentrate on the need of the child. 

Let them know you care, that they are important - not only to their parents but to you as well. And remember children are children no matter what their circumstance may be.