Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should
have remained a virgin."
 - Lillian Carter (mother of President Jimmy Carter)

 Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement .
 - Mark Twain

 The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
 - George Burns

 Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.
 - Victor Borge

 Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.
 - Mark Twain

 What would men be without women?   Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.
 - Mark Twain

 By all means, ! marry.   If you get a good wife, you'll become happy;
 if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
 - Socrates

 I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.
 - Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops
to breathe.
 - Jimmy Durante

The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness,
can be trained to do most things.
 - Jilly Cooper

 I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
 - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
 - Alex Levine

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you
nothing.  It was here first.
 - Mark Twain

 My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
 - Ed Furgol

Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.
 - Spike Milligan

 What's the use of happiness?  It can't buy you money.
  - Henny Youngman

 Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up.
 - Joe Namath

 Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
 - Herbert Henry Asquith

  I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
 -  WC. Fields

We could certainly slow the ageing process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
 - Will Rogers

 Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid
you.
 - Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
 - Phyllis Diller

 The cardiologist's diet:  If it tastes good, spit it out.
 - Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
   - Unknown

 Be careful of your tongue:  It's kept in a wet place and could easily slip.
   - Unknown
Thanks Heidi