Some new some old

I   WAS DRINKING AT A BAR SO I TOOK A BUS HOME. THAT MAY NOT SEEM LIKE A BIG DEAL TO YOU, BUT I'VE NEVER DRIVEN A BUS BEFORE.

I   THOUGHT GETTING OLDER WOULD TAKE LONGER.

A   WISE MAN ONCE SAID NOTHING.

RESPECT   YOUR ELDERS; THEY GRADUATED FROM SCHOOL WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

I’VE   DECIDED I'M NOT OLD; I'M 25 PLUS SHIPPING AND HANDLING.

BEHIND   EVERY ANGRY WOMAN STANDS A MAN WHO HAS ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT HE DID WRONG.

INSTEAD   OF "SINGLE" AS A MARITAL STATUS I PREFER "INDEPENDENTLY OWNED AND OPERATED".

PATIENCE: WHAT YOU HAVE WHEN THERE ARE TOO MANY WITNESSES.

VEGETARIAN: ANCIENT TRIBAL NAME FOR THE VILLAGE IDIOT WHO CAN'T HUNT, FISH OR LIGHT FIRES!

I   LOOK AT PEOPLE AND SOMETIMES THINK... "REALLY?  THAT'S THE SPERM THAT WON?"

IN   MY DEFENSE, I WAS LEFT UNSUPERVISED.

MY   DECISION-MAKING SKILLS CLOSELY RESEMBLE THOSE OF A SQUIRREL WHEN CROSSING THE ROAD.

SOME   THINGS ARE JUST BETTER LEFT UNSAID.  AND I USUALLY REALIZE IT RIGHT AFTER I SAY THEM.

CAMPING:     WHERE YOU SPEND A SMALL FORTUNE TO LIVE LIKE A HOMELESS PERSON.

IF   MY BODY IS EVER FOUND ON A JOGGING TRAIL, JUST KNOW THAT I WAS MURDERED SOMEWHERE ELSE AND DUMPED THERE.

Thanks Marc