THESE WILL GIVE YOU A FEW GOOD LAUGH

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said,'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'  The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile

off of your face.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.  Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

Penance

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize

you've had it?' 
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said,

'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several

times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor.

'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Marriage Humor

Wife:'What are you doing?'

Husband:Nothing. 
Wife:'Nothing . . . ? You've been reading

our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband:'I was looking for the expiration date.'


Wife: 'Do you want dinner?' 
Husband:'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife:'Yes or no.'

Stress Reliever

Girl:'When we get married, I want to share all

your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.' 
Boy:'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't

have any worries or troubles.' 
Girl:'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have

married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A

FORTUNE!' 

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like

most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied:

'I like your sense of humor!' 
Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his

wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.

The man then said 'When I was at the

races last week , Jenny was the name of the

horse I bet on.'

The wife apologized and went on with the housework. Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him

on the head with an even bigger frying pan,

knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hitagain. 

His wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

Thanks Norman