TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!

An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

______________________________ _______
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

______________________________ _______ 
SUPERSEX

A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.

As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.."

She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."

______________________________ _______ 
ROMANCE

An older couple were lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep..

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"
______________________________ _______ 
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.

She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "an elephant?"

Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
______________________________ _______ 
OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, "how soon do you need to know?"
______________________________ _______ 
SENIOR DRIVING

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________ _______ 
DRIVING

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad.

The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again.

Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "oh! am I driving?"

Please !!!!

Friends, tell me this won't happen to us !!!

Thanks Ivan