Sunday, April 26, 2015
GOD & LAWN CARE
You will chuckle as you read this ..... Because as stupid as it may sound, this is exactly what we do!
GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
Thanks Marc
A Scotsman's First Baseball Game
A Scotsman moves to Canada and attends his first baseball game.
The first batter approaches the batters' box, takes a few swings and then hits a double.
Everyone is on their feet screaming "Run!!!"
The next batter hits a single.
The Scotsman listens as the crowd again cheers "RUN!! RUN!!".
The Scotsman is enjoying the game and begins screaming with the fans.
The fifth batter comes up and four balls go by.
The Umpire calls: "Walk."
The batter starts his slow trot to first base.
The Scot stands up and screams, "Run ye lazy bastard, run!"
The people around him begin laughing.
Embarrassed, the Scot sits back down.
A friendly fan notes the man's embarrassment, leans over and explains, “He can't run -- he has four balls."
The Scot stands up and screams: "Walk with pride, Laddie!"
Thanks Shirl
This is fascinating. Computer graphics.
For the layman, what you will see is a brief shot of
the scene as it appears in a movie / video. Then you'll see what was actually there when filming... and
then you'll see what was 'dropped in' by computer. You'll be amazed.
It's never what you think you're seeing.
It's never what you think you're seeing.
Computer graphics is a big industry.
When you are enjoying a movie, how much of it is real?
Probably only about 50%.
I was aware of extensive use of computer graphics
I was aware of extensive use of computer graphics
in Sci-Fi movies, but I had no idea how virtually
any movie, TV, or Internet video might be either
cleverly manipulated or totally fabricated.
ALMOST NOTHING YOU SEE ON TV OR IN A MOVIE IS REAL.
This is a video showing scenes from the TV show Boardwalk Empire.
It's incredible how much of each scene is created by computer graphics.
This is a video showing scenes from the TV show Boardwalk Empire.
It's incredible how much of each scene is created by computer graphics.
Thanks Randy
Two Classics, One Car: A Collector Shows Off Her Lifelong Favorite | The...
A Lady And Her Car
A Car Salesman's Nightmare. She won’t buy a new car until she has worn her old one out and it is still in new condition. After all it is only 84 years old, the car that is, oh, the lady… she’s101!
This lady’s car is a 1930 Packard.
What a pleasant and spry lady she is! Take note in the video that she lays a shop rag on the running board to step onto when she gets in and out of the car. Then after she is in the car, she leans all the way down to the running-board to get the rag. She is in great physical and mental shape for her age. The car is not bad either...!
Thanks Norman
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Male Logic
A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her
husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned house
while she laboured away on the weeds, she snapped,
"I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now!
Pretend I'm out of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak,
potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and
asked, "Where's my dinner?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town,"
Thanks Richard
No e-mail today
Can't respond to any emails today,
>
> something has crashed on my computer
>
> something has crashed on my computer
Thanks Ralph
2 funny.... NOT FOR CHILDREN!!!
Art Gallery
Thanks Shirl
An older couple, at an art exhibition, were staring at a painting that had them completely confused.The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation.
He explained how it represented the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he said, "Some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society".
After the curator left, a man with a noticeable Canadian maritime accent approached the couple and said, "Would yous' like to know what the painting is really all about?""How and why, could you claim or be more of an expert than the curator of this gallery?" asked the couple
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. " In fact, there's no African-Americans shown here at all. They're just three Cape Breton coal-miners...The guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Thanks Shirl
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