Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Want To Live Forever!
A guy is walking along a Vancouver beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
A genie appears and tells him he has been granted one wish.
The guy thinks for a moment and says, "I want to live forever.”
”Sorry," said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."
”OK, then, I want to die after Trudeau balances the budget and eliminates the debt.”
"You crafty little bastard," said the genie.
Thanks Ralph
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
[From one of the most Conservative ridings in Canada--share, mine, use as you wish]
I was a tad confused by Cheryl Gallant’s latest “Report from Parliament” (Arnprior Chronicle Guide, January 21) as well as her recent mailout “Protecting Our Democracy”. She sure seems worked up over something (again), but I’m not entirely sure what. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a bit of good old fashioned fear-mongering. But for my fear to be properly mongered, I require more detail than the vague Chicken Little claim that the Liberals are going to change the way we elect our government and they don’t want Canadians to have any say in the matter. So I decided to do a little research into how the government of Canada is planning to unilaterally mess with our parliamentary democracy.
Could she be referring to the hilariously named Fair Elections Act, a dog’s breakfast of a bill that added burdensome ID requirements that made it more difficult for citizens to cast a ballot, and which also attempted to restrict Elections Canada and the Chief Electoral Officer from doing their job of encouraging and ensuring Canadians’ right to vote? No, wait. That was her government that shoved that embarrassment of a bill through. Trudeau says he’s going to scrap it.
In that case, could she be referring to the re-drawing of riding maps in the 2015 election, a nifty bit of gerrymandering that, had everyone voted the same way as they had in the election previous to 2015, would have garnered the conservatives 22 out of 30 new seats according to Elections Canada? No, wait. That was the Harper government as well.
I guess she can only be talking about the Liberals’ plan to reform our antiquated first-past-the-post electoral system after a lengthy and thorough consultative process that includes convening an all-party parliamentary committee to review the matter. If this is indeed what she is nattering on about, I can only express further confusion. How exactly is the implementation of a key campaign platform that led to Trudeau’s election as our Prime Minister something that we had no say on? I coulda' sworn it was a mere few months ago that we cast our votes based on this and other issues in a federal election.
Andrew Fogarasi
Colourful birds
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Thanks Kerry
BEE STING DOWN UNDER
Australian Telephone Operator : "G'day mate .. Helpline here ... What's the problem?"
Customer: "I'm in the Outback with the girlfriend and she's been stung high on her thigh by a hornet and now her vagina has completely closed up!"
Australian Telephone Operator :"Bummer!"
Customer: "Great advice! Thanks mate.”
Thanks Ivan
DOGS DO JUST SAY IT ALL!
This dog's asleep. Wait, I mean "This dog's a-sheep." (via Reddit)
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I'm actually not sure if this dog is asleep or just having a vulnerable bonding moment with the table leg. (via What the Frikkadel)
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Although he loved music, it was Spot's greatest secret that he was actually tone deaf.
(via Pinterest)
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Shifting into sleep mode.
Thanks Randy
Monday, February 1, 2016
Math Puzzle
This is amazing, well worth a try
Latest version received
This math exercise will only take you about ten seconds. Amazingly, it really works and will reveal your all-time favourite movie.
DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is.
1. Pick a number from 1-9.
2. Multiply that number by 3.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
3. Add 3.
4. Multiply by 3 again.
5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your favourite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:
Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Kathleen Wynne Farewell Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
Thanks Ralph
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