Sunday funny

There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.

There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.

They all said that they had discussed this with their potential

husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”.  “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”

He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don 't forget to take them”.

He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.”  After a short delay, he told her that should also work. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.

They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.

Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”'

He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”

He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”

She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.

Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers ....

“I kick the bucket out from under him”.

 

Thanks Heidi

Grayson hears his father's voice for the first time

3-year-old Grayson Clamp of Charlotte, NC is the first child to receive an auditory brain stem implant. The surgery, performed by Craig Buchman, MD, Professor Otolaryngology/Head and Neck Surgery, and Matthew Ewend, MD, Chair, Department of Neurosurgery, is the first of its kind performed in the United States as part of an FDA investigational trial.

Thanks Sylvia

War of words

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Kandahar when they came upon an Afghani terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was a Canadian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the platoon leader asked the injured Canadian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.

I yelled to him that Ayman Zawahiri (leader of Al-Qaeda) was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Justin Trudeau is a privileged, bureaucratic dreamer, unrealistic, good-for-nothing, left wing dickhead who knows bugger all about running a country.

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dressed and acted like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Kathleen Wynne!'

'And, then there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, ... when a truck hit us.'

 

 

 

Thanks Joe J

Beany's Drive-In Restaurant, Long Beach, California, ca. 1952-53

Thanks Kerry

It's Sad, But As I Get Older, I Think Differently

 

 

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped

in at Hooter's to see some friends and have

some hot Wings and ice tea.

After being there for a while, one of my friends

asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck

in an elevator with.

I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators".

I'm old, I'm tired, and I pee a lot.

 

BROKE! 1%

We read all the jokes and forward the good ones, but I just wonder who willpass this one on. How about you sending it on, if you have nerve to do so.Be happy to be of the 1%. Someone please tell me what is wrong with all thepeople in this country!!!
CONSERVATIVES & LIBERALS & NDP, say "We're "broke" and can't help our own.Seniors, Veterans, Orphans, Homeless, Etc.,???
In the last few years we have provided direct cash aid to: Hamas - 351 M, Pakistan - 2 B, Libya - 1.45 B, Egypt - 397 M, Mexico - 622 M, Russia - 380 M, Haiti - 1.4 B, Jordan - 463 M, Kenya - 816 M, Sudan - 870 M, Nigeria - 456 M, Uganda - 451 M, Congo - 359 M, Ethiopia - 981 M, South Africa - 566 M, Senegal - 698 M, Mozambique - 404 M, Zambia - 331 M, Kazakhstan - 304 M, Iraq - 1.08 B, Tanzania - 554 M,
TOTAL $14.933 BILLION

These bastards literally dance in the streets and celibrate when an act of terrorism kills our citizens

and yet we continually reward them with literally Billions so they can go on hating us in style!

In total Canada spends over
5 Billion a year on direct cash support of foreign aid, and 20 Billion on
Immigration & Refugee programs
Our retired seniors are living on a 'fixed income'. Do they get any breaks
while our government and religious organizations pour hundreds of billions
and tons of food to foreign countries!
  AUSTRALIA, UK, THE USA & CANADA - countries where we have homeless persons,
children going to bed hungry, elderly going without needed
medication and mentally ill without treatment... Etc.
YET- We still allow illegals & other free loaders on our shores, while we
are lining up with food, clothes, bedding, doctors and medical supplies for
them. Imagine if the "GOVERNMENT" gave 'US' the same
support they give to other countries.

Sad isn't it?
99% of people won't forward this. I'm one of the 1% ... I Just Did.

Thanks Randy      

 

Saturday's Ride - Driving a 1961 Ford Galaxie 390 Stick: Pedal to the Metal

Canada confirmed an arms deal with Saudi Arabia, despite the gulf state's horrendous human rights record. Sweden just cancelled a similar deal, due to human rights concerns. See the difference?

Harper's 'principled' foreign policy is empty rhetoric for profit

Both Swedish and Canadian foreign policy approaches were recently criticized for their stance on selling arms to Saudi Arabia, with the Canadian government defending its decision to supply Light Armored Vehicles (LAVs) to a country with one of the worst human rights records in the world, at the same time as Sweden decided to cancel its arms deal with the gulf state.

Prime Minister Stephen Harper describes Canada's foreign policy as 'principled', though he is less clear about what these principles are. In contrast, Sweden -- a country often compared to Canada as reflecting similar social and political values -- defines its foreign policy as explicitly feminist.

In 2014, the Canadian government signed its largest ever arms export deal, worth $14.8 billion, to supply LAVs to Saudi Arabia. Canada has supplied LAVs to Saudi Arabia since 1993, with exports increasing over the last few years.

The Canadian government says the new deal will generate 3,000 advanced manufacturing jobs for 14 years, as well as thousands of other jobs for suppliers. Saudi Arabia is currently Canada's second largest export market in the Middle East, and will now be the largest recipient of crown-corporation brokered military export contracts, surpassing the U.S. for the first time.

However, Canada has laws (if not principles) regarding to whom it can export weapons. Under the Canadian Export and Import Permits Act the government can only provide export permits for arms to "governments have a persistent record of serious violations of the human rights of their citizens, unless it can be demonstrated that there is no reasonable risk that the goods might be used against the civilian population."

READ MORE: http://rabble.ca/news/2015/04/harpers-principled-foreign-policy-empty-rhetoric-profit

Harper: Incompetance at its worst

7 Reasons Why the Conservatives are More Disappointing than the Toronto Maple Leafs

Is it time to axe the coach?

Team Canada isn't winning like it used to. On every stat across the board, Canada is down -- the Bank of Canada just pegged economic growth at zero per cent and said the labour market hasn't improved in three years, full-time jobs are disappearing fast and the quality of the jobs that remain are at a 25-year record low.

Though Prime Minister Stephen Harper reminds us he's a student both of economics and  the 'great game' of hockey, his performance on the economy has been absolutely disappointing. Plus his own staff admit that for all his talk, he may not even know how to skate.

The Maple Leafs just cleaned house, so is the same solution needed in the House of Commons? It's looking like Team Canada needs to cut its losses and start planning for a rebuild.

Here's 7 more hockey analogies summing up the Conservatives' blooper-filled season:
READ MORE: http://www.pressprogress.ca/en/post/7-reasons-why-conservatives-are-more-disappointing-toronto-maple-leafs

Email received Friday

Urgent Help...Janet Gould People

Janet Gould Hello, This message may be coming to you as a surprise but I need your help,Few days back I made a Business trip to Manila (Philippines),I was mugged by some hoodlums on my way out heading for a meeti

To

hawkins_bobby@yahoo.ca

Today at 10:02 AM

Hello,

This message may be coming to you as a surprise but I need your help,Few days back I made a Business trip to Manila (Philippines),I was mugged by some hoodlums on my way out heading for a meeting about the business I came here for, All cash, Credit card and cell were stolen off me but luckily for me I still have my life and passports with me. My flight leaves in a couple of hours but am having problems settling the hotel bills and the hotel manager won't let me leave until i settle the bills, I need you to loan me the sum of ($2,850.00 USD). I'll refund it to you as soon as i arrive home.Write me back so i can tell you how to get it to me.

Any help is very appreciated!!!

Thank You,

Janet Gould

 

 

My reply......  BWAHAHAHAHA

 

 

Besoin d'un nouveau téléphone

My  new cellphone I picked up while shopping in the states. But I probably won't be allowed to use it in Canada

http://video.weibo.com/show?fid=1034:4fb153c58d835edacee289ebcecd1230&type=mp4&from=timeline&isappinstalled=0   Thanks Ivan

Baltimore mom who smacked son during riots: "I don't want him to be a Fr...

The Lemon Squeezer

At a bar in New York City, the bartender was so sure 
that he was the strongest man around, that he offered a 
standing $1000 bet. 

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice 
ran into a glass, and then hand the lemon to the patron. 

Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of 
it, would win the money.  Over the years, many people had 
tried.....weightlifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody had 
ever been able to do it. 

One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar, 
wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. 

He sat down, ordered a glass of beer, and started 
looking around the bar. After reading the sign on the 
wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice: 
"I was just reading your sign, and I'd like to try the bet." 

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said:"Ok." 

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed all the juice he could 
out of it. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind 
to the little fellow. 

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as 
the man clenched his little fist around the lemon and six 
drops fell into the glass. 

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his 
$1000, and then asked: "Do you mind if I ask what do 
you do for a living? ...Are you a lumber jack, a 
weight-lifter, or what?" 

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for 
Internal Revenue Service!!!"  
Thanks Kerry

Wind In Dog's Face Compilation

Thanks Sylvia

Friday's Ride - Safe Driving Warning - DOL Motorcycle Awareness — A Second Look