Post Turtles

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Politicians and their role as our leaders.

The old rancher said, "Well, you know, most Politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation I've heard yet.

Thanks Richard

Home item for the VW lover.

Thanks Kerry .... now that's cool..... literally

FROM THE OTHER SIDE

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'

'It depends,' I replied.'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, ' OHIO STATE !'

And they say blondes are dumb....

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

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Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy. .
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'Thanks Shirley

Amy Poehler Best Buy Super Bowl 2013 Commercial - Sneak Peek!

Humorous Misunderstandings

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'___________________________________________
A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'___________________________________________
'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really Good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly fromSan Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.___________________________________________
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________
A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and
asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter word the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'___________________________________________ While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a two piece or an all-in-one?' 'Better get the two piece,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care. ___________________________________________ The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning,accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's arrived'.   Thanks Shirley

CALGARY POLICE DISPLAY SENSITIVITY

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don't care about or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category. This story involves the police in Calgary, who reported finding a man's body last Saturday evening in the Bow River near the Center Street bridge. The dead man's name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting "someone" in the Center Street area. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple Lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, ½ inch false eyelashes, and a Toronto Maple Leaf’s sweater. The Police removed the Maple Leaf sweater to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. See, the Calgary Police do care.

Thanks Randy

Puns for Educated Minds

 

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head'.
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass'.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says,
'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger'.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron'. The other says, 'Are you sure?'
The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive'.
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

 

Thanks Randy

Pervert Telephone Call

The telephone rings, and the wife answers.

 

A pervert with heavy breathing, says,

"I bet you have a tight ass, with no hair."

 

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watchingTV - whom shall I say is calling?"

 

Thanks Bernie

Monday's Vehicle - 1956 Chevy 150 2 Dr post Crane 284 350 sb

Winners

Transparency = Harper speak for Bulls#!t

Stephen Harper ran on a platform of transparency, so far he has had documents redacted to conceal his actions claiming it was to protect the our forces or that the information was not in the public interest. He and his ministers have blantantly concealed the truth on everything from Afghanistan, the F-35 through to the Nexen deal.

He set up the office of the Parliamentary Budget Officer (PBO) to monitor spending then he kept needed data from the PBO in an attempt to conceal his actions. Since appointing Kevin Page, the only truly independent and honest Canadian in the House,  the Conservatives have belittled and demeaned him. Despite their attacks Kevin page has held his head high and served the Canadian people and not been a puppet to Stephen Harper.

If Stephen Harpe4r and the Conservatives truly want to serve the people with honesty and integrity they would legislate the PBO so that it would answer to parliament.

http://ca.news.yahoo.com/federal-spending-watchdog-says-checks-system-broken-124146532.html

After five years of providing senators and members of Parliament with independent analysis on the state of the nation's finances, the federal spending watchdog says the system of checks and balances is "broken."

 

(In an interview airing Saturday on CBC Radio's The House, Kevin Page, the parliamentary budget officer (PBO), told host Evan Solomon the Office of the Parliamentary Budget Officer will never truly be independent until it reports directly to Parliament.

"The legislation is flawed," said Page, who was appointed by Prime Minister Stephen Harper as Canada's first parliamentary budget officer for a five-year term.)

Kevin Page's appointment is coming to an end and you can be sure that, like the Speaker of the House, Senators and other Harper appointees the new PBO will be a spineless coward at the the Prime Ministers beckon call.

I hate bullies

Thanks Kerry..... bullies are nothing but cowards

Computer Workstation Ergonomics.

Do you feel any discomfort while working at your computer workstation,

at home or at the office ?

Workstation ergonomics is a scentific discipline that can be defined as

fitting the workstation to the individual.

Extended periods of time spent at an office or home computer workstation

may contribute to discomfort or RSI (repetative strain injury) for the user.

Prior to my retirement, one of my responsibilities as an 'Environmental

Health and Safety Administrator, was to ensure employees at the Company

that I worked for, were trained in 'Office Ergonomics'. I also carried out regularly

scheduled ergonomic audits, using the illistration of an ergonomically

correct computer workstion (below) as a guideline for the user.

Please visit the website below for much more detail

www.labour.gov.on.ca › ... › Publications › Computer Ergonomics

 

 

 

Thanks Joe Y.

18 things

18 Things That Actually Exist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N5H9C9u_SUQ&feature=player_embedded#!

 

Thanks Sylvia

Have a good Laugh

 

Now this will start your day out right!

You may remember Steve Bridges as the guy who imitated George Bush so well on the Jay Leno Show. He has now started imitating Obama and REALLY does it really well. The Administration has tried to put a stop to Bridges' act, because Obama has made it known that he is deeply offended. Yes, he's that good.......

If You can find the video of George Bush and Steve together at the NY press club it is even better.

Use the link below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=player_embedded&v=WH_a0cGVRmI

 

Thanks Sam/Ellen